The dali life of a prole

In Japan there have been some sheepishly deceptive deals being done in the name of poodles. Apparently companies on the internet have been selling the Japanese consumer with more money than sense poodle puppies - these poodle puppies have arrived in the best of health complete with poodle haircuts, their new owners overjoyed. But all is not as it seems as one owner of a new poodle pup recently discovered when she took it to the vet to find out why it wasn't eating dog food. The vet explained kindly to the puzzled woman that sheep are vegetarians - she was even more confused but it turned out that her poodle pup was a lamb. Over 2000, sheep-poodles have been sold in japan - one to a Japanese film star who proudly showed a talk show audience a photo of her much loved pet poodle - she was shocked when the audience correctly identified the animal as a sheep. Another took her puppy to the dog stylist for a toenail trim to be told 'you're poodle has hooves'. I am left wondering how can someone not recognise a sheep and think it a dog - surely the baaa baaaa gives the game away, along with the large bunny-like droppings and the consumption of all things plant like. Apparently the Japanese are not familliar with what a sheep looks like and this is why the scam has been able to succeed - they were being sold for between £600 and £700, half the price of what a poodle pup would cost in Japan an absolute Baaaaaaargain. The owners of the sheep are now donating them to Zoo's and farms in Japan.

I am a curious person (thats a polite way of saying bloody nosey, it must be the social scientist in me) so I was wondering what books bloggers read and if they were any good. I have read lots and lots of books and have a curious habit of reading Orwells 1984 at least once a year - perhaps just to remind me of the way the world is headed. Anyway I began thinking of the books I have read recently and discovered that I appear to have a morbid fascination with crime - yup I have re-read Ian Brady's 'The Gates of Janus' and also been reading books with titles like BORN KILLERS, Infamous murderers, The Executioners. I can relate this to my specialist sphere of criminology of course but I couldn't help but wonder if this goes much deeper, if what I read says something about my personality and perhaps a darker me I wasnt aware of. Perhaps this is over self analysis and perhaps not. So I thought it would be interesting to know from the blogging community the following.

What were the last 3 books you read?
Why did you choose these books?
what do you these choices say about you?

Yes HM's finest postman came today before lunch time and delivered the cheque which I had been assured was in the post. It appears that it was indeed in the post and had been lost somewhere in a sorting office in the 20 miles between where it was posted and here.

Apart from the arrival of said cheque the entire day has been pretty damned uneventful. I got up, took the kids to school, fed and watered the puppy and spent the rest of the day clearing up aforementioned food and water after it came out of the other end of the puppy. I have washed the floors several times, hoovered up what used to be a wicker waste paper basket and resembled bits of twig after mons meg got her needle teeth into it. Hoovered up what was once a newspaper after mons meg got her needle teeth into it. Hoovered up what used to be the internal stuffing of a teddy bear after yes you guessed it ... and so the day continued. I did my work, hoovered, washed, entertained, prepared invoices, held a staff meeting, went to the bank, shovelled shit, counted the sheep, checked the silly moos, collected the kids from school. Cleaned up more shit and washed more floors - the life of a busy executive is getting to me - anyone suggest a change of career?

that when someone tells you that the cheque is in the post, the post man doesnt arrive at all. NO mail whatsoever? Very strange given that daily he tends to pour shedloads of mail and junk mail through the door - och well its one of lifes little unanswered mysteries.

Up here in the clouds there is a blizzard raging, the dog and the pup ventured outside earlier looking like a dog and a pup and returned looking like large 4 legged snowballs with eyes and wagging tails- total whiteout and yes its still mothersday - this leaves us with a dilemma do we venture out there against all common sense to deliver cards, flowers and chocolates to mum who we love so much or do we stay put and do so when the blizzards over! Mum advises to stay put and not to venture down the track to her home. She is fine and will see us all when it calms down a bit.
This all started to get bad about 4am when we were hit by a hailstorm, which woke the entire household. One by one the houses in the glen vanished from sight followed by our own outbuildings and now you cant even see as far as the tractor, the clouds arent going to lift today thats for sure.
No sign of any city dwellers today either - which is good news for the boys of HMS Ganet - unless there are some really silly souls out there and we just can't see them. Earlier there was no sign of life at the bothy (we checked) so theres no-one stuck in there taking shelter from the raging elements, just a few black faced sheep sheltering next to the walls, thank goodness!

Now good as this weather is for our roofing concern I am worried that we won't actually be able to effect any emergency repairs for a few days if this keeps up. The wind is howling, whenever the front door is opened the wind opens the hatch to the loft which bangs about, it is also having the effect of making our home sound like someone is tuning the bagpipes in the vicinity - never mind the fire is on and so is the kettle and we are going to have a pyjama day and relax

Aye its a dreich day ra day an'ats fer sure. As per usual the hardy city fowk are headed in droves fer the hills - ra misty laws a cawin. Now ah ken that up there the weather is naw gonnae be gud infact the yows huv mair sense than they city fowk, the yows are seekin shelter in the glen in the wee gullys, aw the birds are awa hidin fae the drivin wind and rain and the snaw which is awn its way. But they city fowk are a hardy breed, ra weather is nae threat tae them, clad in designer walkin gear they head up intae ra mist wi naw a care in the wurld, I bid them gud day as they pass by oor fairm heided fer the hills, 'nice weather fer ra ducks' I say 'wi snaw awn the way.' Oh yes charming Scottish spring weather they quip and on they go. Spring! aye its spring weather aw richt! Us country fowk are battering doon ra hatches an waiting fer the gales an aw an they numpties are heided tae doom an designer hypothermia, they dinnae gie a shite either, they tend tae think that the muirsheil is close enough tae the toons that wi a wee caw tae the emergency services they will be fine if it comes tae it. I am thinking noo O' they pair rescue boys sat doon the road nice n dry next tae their shiny helicopter at HMS Ganet who will no doubt be cawed upon tae rescue the city numpties later awn the day, when wan O' their kinsfowk phones tae say wee Tarquin husnae come hame!

Seriously dont these utter lunatics see the weather forecast? There should be some law about lunatics and mountains in bad weather, such fools should have to sign a disclaimer saying that their rescue wont be at public expense given that they are willing to put their lives at risk in this way.

Alarm never went off! Never mind, I am working for me now - uh huh but what about getting the kids off to school and dealing with the employees who are currently parked outside in their vans and clogging up the garden and driveway - oooooh shit ( or shite in scots)- leap out of bed like a frog jumping from a lilly pad and into the bathroom - the internal voice nags away like jumminy bloody cricket 'hurry up, hurry up' and I try to hurry up but am waylaid by 3 kids already queuing for the bathroom and shouting about breakfast and packed lunches. To top that the gentle knocking on the door has now turned to a furious thump thump. I sprint down the stairs clad in my P.J's and open the door looking like the wreck of the hesperus according to one poetic roofer who passes me in the hallway. I fling open the office door and usher all and sundry inside while I let the dog and the puppy out into the garden. OMG the kitchen looks like there has been a stampede of elephants in the golden wonder factory - crisps everywhere - the pup has gotten into the crisp basket and opened all 40 pks they are everywhere, she mustn't have liked some of the flavours because its obvious she has tried them all. To top that I dont think the crisps agreed with her wee tummy because she has developed a case of the harry squirters which needs cleaned and discenfected urgently. I set to the task amid muted chanting of Sharon put the kettle on from the workforce. So far so good the kitchen is hastily cleaned and the kettle is on, packed lunches are dispatched and eventually I manage to give all of the workers their daily tasks, petty cash, mobile phones and purchase orders. Kids are dressed and ready to go and I am by now completely knackered.
That should have been the end of the days disasters but NOOOOooooooo such luck - I recieve a phone call about an hr later ' Sharon youre naw gonnae believe this but the site has been broken intae during the night' says the voice on the end of the phone, 'oh my god no, whats missing, any damage', 'well all the tools are away and the generator and transformers, the site lights, most of the timber, they have stuff piled up by the door but obviously couldnt fit it in their transport'. I phone the police and the insurance, we are covered and we have to compile a list of all the missing tools and materials. So I set about doing that while waiting for the police. We manage to ascertain that they broke in through a velux window entered the house we are renovating and used one of our crowbars to jenny open the front door, they moved everything they could next to the front door and then used that to exit. They had cut the chain at the site gate with cutters to get a vehicle on to the site and seemingly loaded up their vehicle at leisure. The odd thing is that they also stole high visibility jackets which are covered with our company logo, the police found this amusing and I reckon the theifs shouldnt be difficult to spot if they are wearing these - lets see if Strathclydes finest can catch them. Meanwhile the job has ground to a halt while we get new materials to the site. This will not please the customer.
You would think that lady luck wouldnt deal anymore blows in one day but ...... She did.
My mobile went it was one of the labourers explaining in broad jockanese that he has had a prang in the pick up but that the damage wasnt too bad and he was very very very ( please dont sack me or dock my wages) sorry!
So now we have an overslept followed by a robbery and then a vehicle accident it couldnt get worse or could it? Yip it could.
I went home and turned on my computer (not this one obviously) and there was a message about a certificate I had never seen before and a blank blue screen - I could do nothing - in the middle of the accounts and it was all gone, I couldnt access a thing just a blank blue screen. I rebooted and rebooted and same thing over and over, in desperation I telephoned an IT engineer and out he came like batman to the rescue, looked at it, shook his head and said I will have to reformat the hard drive - urrrgh (i stared blankly) what about all my work? Years of university work not to mention the accounts for my business etc - He said he could retrieve that and true to his word he did. He reformatted the hard drive and set everything up for me again except we couldnt find my disks for my wireless connection to reconnect to the internet. So i telephoned the call centre for my ISP and they said they would send out a new disk -wonderful it could take between 10 and 14 says arrrrrrrrgh.

By now as you can gather my day wasnt going very well at all so it will come as no surprise to learn that the disasters hadnt finished. 6pm the phone rang - I answered it 'hello its the vets' oh no i had forgotten the puppies appointment, but the vet said its ok I will wait just bring her down. I chucked the pup in the car and sped to the vets- the pup was sick everywhere ( she doesnt like travelling), she had her final injection and can go walkies next week ( good news at least).

So with the luck I have had today I have decided not to buy a lottery ticket today - I shall buy one tomorrow, perhaps tomorrow will be my good luck day to balance out the bad luck day I have had today.

Where to start? December at CRAP was a jokey affair - imagine being told by the boss that you have been doing your job too well and that as a result too many of the client groups have gotten jobs! The command from on high was 'SLOW THE GRAVY TRAIN!' So it ground to a resounding halt! It appears that the not-for-profit organisation is concerned that if we get too many people back on the right track and into work too quickly we won't get funded for another year! I thought the objective was to get everyone back to work so that the tax payer doesnt have to fork out for this kind of CRAP organisation anymore. But NOOOOOOOOooooooooo it seems that the powers that be have some high brow notion that the remit is to do the job slowly and eek out the funding for as long as possible so our new remit is to hold pizza nights and go for bike rides with the NEET group not get them into work or training. During these events we are to survey the poor over surveyed individuals further and then survey them again over and over ad nauseum thus ensuring further funding for future years - I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP. So xmas came and went in our household all the recipients of gifts were suitably delighted including myself. Then new year arrived.
The day before new year we bundled into the pick-up and headed up north to the outlaws to a lovely place near Fort William, we ate we talked and we left - driving through glencoe in what were godamn awful conditions - we assisted in getting a car out of a ditch on the way home and then we got home and slept.
The next morning was new years eve and again we bundled into the pick up and this time headed south to my sisters farm in cumbria, we drove down through one of the worst storms we had seen in a long time, leaving my father at home in scotland as per his request.

Soooooo New years party ensued and we were all partied out when our mobiles began going frantic. Emergency roof repairs ( we run a building and maintenance company) so with hangovers galore we had to travel back up to Scotland on new years day and prepare ourselves for an onslaught - 167 roofs needing emergency repairs ( arrrrrgh) -plus our own chimney had been blown over and was precariously threatening to come through the roof.
That was soon fixed ( lucky us!).

Jan 5th return to crap day arrived - and I arrived at work clutching my resignation in my hot little hands - yipee our business is booming and I am now to spend my time taking my directorship a bit more seriously than I had previously, bliss i was to be my own boss.

and thats where I am today - i do miss my colleagues but no more travelling to and from work, no more putting up with crap and conducting endless surveys or participating in what i consider to be an organisation set to fleece the system for as much money as possible while doing as little as possible.
and that about sums up the catch up

It was a weird day today, firstly I slept in - never a good start. So that was quickly followed by a rushed coffee and a cigarette accompanied by a lot of shouting to the troops to get their breakfast, get washed and get dressed for school. All of this was accomplished in record time and so I stepped outside to face the day looking worn and interestingly windswept ( on account of the fact that I hadnt time to put on the war paint and dress my hair. So I stood on the doorstep and looked and looked again to my horror it was foggy - and i do mean foggy - not just slightly misty but a damned peasouper, we made our way to the car, identified by the flashing lights when i pressed the button on the key. The car was camoflaged by its hologram silver colour and sat eerily in the fog like a ghost car. So we sat in the car and I put on the heater to demist it, we sat and we sat and we sat and I used the windscreen wipers but the windscreen was not clearing then to my horror i realised that a nasty heavy frost had crept up on us during the night coating the car windscreen with its thick obscured glass effect. So out I got and cleared the bloody thing with a scraper and made a mental note to purchase deicer ASAP.

This is in stark contrast to the evening before when I got in the car and thought the windscreen was smeary and made several attempts to clear it before realising that the smears were on my sunglasses!

Anyway, we were running late and so off we set, me peering through wee demisted holes in the windscreen which allowed a certain amount of vision. All the troops arrived at their respective schools and I set off to work at CRAP.

I joined what passes for a main road in these parts and to my horror a Scottish Motorists worst nightmare was there before me - A tractor! The road is so twisty that you cant overtake anywhere so there I was, already late with Fred the fecking farmer in front of me in his tractor in thick fog. I crawled to work at a snails pace and arrived at CRAP to cries of 'oh you made it then!' and 'Whats the time?' and 'are you late?' Yes, the slave is LATE Quelle surprise! CRAP had ground to a halt, a kind hearted individual made me a coffee and the interrogation over my 'windswept and interesting' appearance began 'Are you ill?'
'No, I am fine thankyou'
'But you dont look fine'
'Whats wrong?'
'Nothing'
'Yes there is, you can tell me'
'OK I didnt have time to put my make up on'
Gasps of horror ensued, apparently working in CRAP it is a crime not to arrive looking like the front cover of vogue and today I was the criminal.

The day plodded on, preparing survey tools, interviewing joe public, manipulating statistics, embellishing reports - you know the drill. Then lunch time arrived 'woohoo time to relax' WRONG, why is it that Joe Public waits till lunchtime before deciding to arrive in droves regardless of appointment times? ( one of lifes yet to be answered mysteries). So yet again I partook of the modern day wonder - the working lunch. My mouth full of tuna salad sandwich as I attempted to sort out the problems of the multitude while eating. The kind hearted soul arrived with another coffee. The afternoon continued like this in between trips to the loo and writing reports for tomorrows meeting . 3.55pm the boss phones to tell me that the meeting tomorrow is cancelled because she is snowed under with reports to write.........( steam emits from my ear holes at this point)- yup the prole from crap has been working like a machine to ensure that everything is ready for the crap meeting and then its cancelled because the boss cant keep up!
At last its time to go home - another adventure in the whacky world of motoring ensues for the journey back to peace and I am left wondering how many other people working in crap have written crap reports that no-one will read.

Well I never ( as my dear old nan would have said), I have just read this on the BBC and am amazed and at the same time confuzzled and combobulated, there is to be no more Schizophrenia - A miracle I hear you exclaim in unison!
Hardly!
A bunch of bored politically correct academics have decided that there will no longer be Schizophrenia, we are not to call it that anymore, all those people out there diagnosed with this condition will no longer have a label to apply to their condition. It is to be the psychosis with no name. The reason apparently is simple, the word Schizophrenia is scary, it conjures up visions of a dangerous violent person with an over reliance on anti psychotic drugs, when the academics have decided that all Schizophrenics really need is counselling! Are these academics off their heads? A label brings comfort to an individual because it provides them with the security that the medical proffession understand the condition they have even if they arent quite sure how to treat it. It is also a symbol of belonging to a club - being able to say I AM A SCHIZOPHRENIC is acceptance that you belong to an exclusive group where you can by mentioning the condition immediately heighten the senses of everyone in the immediate surroundings who wait for your napoleon or your god personality to emerge. Not only this but belonging to the schizophrenic club ensures a steady supply of health related benefits ensuring that you dont have to go to work, you can sit at home and contemplate your navel on planet zog with aristotle and hitler and perhaps challenge bagpuss to a game of snooker in the graceland suite at the jupiter hotel. People dont laugh at you, they daren't, they pretend that they are also sitting on the moon with cat stephens singing a lullaby to doris day when you invite them to join you. So why do the academics want to prevent this? They are jealous, they dont have the power that the schizophrenic has, they cant ensure an audience for their fantasy so they want to ruin everyone elses.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/6033013.stm